Welcome, @$$holes!

If you are reading this, either your curiosity has gotten the best of you or have admitted to yourself the truth - that we are all assholes.

Don't believe me? We are born as assholes, it is genetically ingrained in us. Sweet, innocent little babies are assholes you say?! That simply can't be true! Those are pure bundles of joy! *Throws the bullshit flag* Are you now or have you ever been a baby? Then, you, are an asshole. We are nice enough to create and house this lovely little carbon-based reproduction of our genetic code for roughly 40 weeks and as soon as this asshole moves in it starts causing trouble. You getting what I am saying yet, ladies? That's right - as soon as you are conceived, you are already being an asshole.

So someone is nice enough to create you and give you a cushy place to crash for the first 10 months while you figure things out like breathing, digestion, growing, developing (into an asshole) and you just trash the place. Babies are such assholes! They want to be fed in the womb, sucking out our nutrients like the leaching assholes they are only to make sure that their host is positively vomitacious every time they try to eat. And as a baby, you totally trash the exterior of this beautiful home you were given. Hey thanks, baby, I wanted these really hot stretch marks and saggy mammoth mammaries. Could you make sure I have really repulsive gas that will keep anyone away from this hideous eyesore you have moved into? How about some sexy cankles? Pregnancy glow? Don't be a lying asshole to pregnant women. That is not a "glow" she simply just couldn't hold her bladder anymore because some asshole baby is taking up all the room in there and piddle splattered on her. That glow is neonatal vitamin pee (which I do believe glows in the dark) If that was any other tenant, they would have been tossed out. Guess what - we are assholes too and kick the baby out of the only home it has known and then it continues to be an asshole.

So once this baby is out, it does asshole things right away. Don't waste any time, they is a lot of being an asshole to get to! No time like the present! So, the first time you meet this baby it screams at you and relieves itself in your presence almost immediately. Total asshole move, right? If the first time I met anyone else they yelled at me, shit and pissed on themselves and on me - I would qualify that as an asshole and let whatever asshole that brought that asshole know not to ever bring that asshole around me again. But...babies are cute so they get some leeway on being assholes, cute assholes. Now this baby is out and being an asshole and you are exhausted. You are turning into an over possessive asshole because you are fairly certain that no one has ever dealt with an asshole like this and you are truly the only stupid asshole for the job. You have now become an exhausted and self-righteous, neurotic and sleep depraved asshole. Sleep depraved, yes, back to these asshole babies...So you are doing everything for this asshole all the time and not really getting any thanks (Would it hurt you asshole babies to say thank you just once?!) Not only will they not say "thank you" but this asshole is going to keep you up all night. Remember that drunk that was your neighbor in college and kept you up all hours of the night with raging parties? That asshole could really take some notes on how to step up the asshole game by a baby. Those little assholes will keep you up with intermittent sleep patterns that Hunter S Thompson would call insane.

There you have it folks - just a brief introduction to how we begin as assholes.We are all assholes, we are born assholes, we stay assholes. This is just the beginning on how you can identify ans survive your inner asshole. Until next time..."Keep firing, assholes!"